It’s been so long since I’ve done this; I hope I haven’t forgotten how. Blogging, that is. Not speaking my mind. I’ve got that down to an art form. An always-in-trouble-because-you-won’t-stop-talking kind of art form.
Anyhoo, it’s who I am, and I’m too old to change. If I change on, say Saturday, by Monday I’ve already forgotten all about it. I’m a sarcastic big mouth with dementia, if you will. So if you don’t want me to say something, don’t dangle your crazy out there to entice me! K?
Dang, where the heck was I? Oh. Yea.
To commemorate the new year, I want to share my thoughts about a few things I think need to be left in 2015, or 1987, for that matter. Things we need to just let go. Things we need to stop and pretend never happened. Things that were bad ideas to begin with, but got progressively worse over time.
While this is my list, I know my peeps agree. Their tails are just too afraid to say it.
- Selfies. I don’t mean your profile pic necessary for identification purposes in case you come up missing. I’m talking about the “I just pooped which is why I’m posing in the bathroom” shot. The “outfit #[1, 2, 14, 57…] today” shot. And my absolute least favorite “me and the left eyebrow of my cute kid that no one can see because the purpose of this pic is ME, ME, ME” shot.
I pooped and played Monopoly in the john today!
- The photoshopped profile pic. Dude, if you get kidnapped, I’ll be looking for Selena Gomez in a minivan.
This is not you!
- Obama. Donald Trump. Hillary Clinton. Anyone whose last name is Bush. Please, for the love of God, stop. No one has EVER changed their minds about political issues as a result of some asinine column that appeared in The Blaze and shared by you on Facebook.
- The “N” word. Everyone. Period. It’s even more offensive to my ears than the plethora of words used to describe the genitals. Sheesh! Stop it! And putting an “a” on the end of it doesn’t make the word any more acceptable. Those guys are your friends, not your “n-“s.
- Sagging skinny jeans and joggers. I never thought that concept was even possible, yet here we are. Nobody cares if your undies are Ralph Lauren, Michael Kors, or Johnny Wal-Mart. You look stupid; pull your pants up.
See? Stupid.
- Facebook snake oil sales. Every dang person I know is pedaling something on Facebook! Shake diets, wrinkle creams, makeup, Tupperware, and anything with a monogram on it. I’m a pretty good shopper. In fact, I’m a pro (just ask the hubs or CitiBank). And the Internet is my retailer of choice. But on Facebook I want to chat with friends, see pics of their kids at prom, laugh at the latest Gene Wilder meme, reminisce about the old days… I love ya, but I ain’t interested in ______ (insert product).
- The “Like if you love Jesus or keep scrolling if you love the devil” posts. OMG! Being a good person is hard enough. No one needs the added pressure! Can you imagine Mother Teresa at the pearly gates: “Let’s see…you gave to the poor, you helped the needy, you nursed the sick. You are a selfless Christian. Welcome to Heav…Um, wait a minute there, Miss Thang! You didn’t like that Facebook pic of Jesus on April 7th, 2009. Yikes! I’m sorry.”
- And on a similar note, any post that states some millionaire is going to give you money for tagging 17 of your closest friends. Want money? Get a job! That’s kind of how it works.
- Snapchat. Kids, that app is nothing but trouble. How many unsuspecting, innocent folks must be publicly humiliated before you understand the powerful and dangerous nature of that little, ol’ picture-taking, story-telling app?? Moms and Dads, take it from someone who works every day with kids affected by social media. Your kids are just as likely to be inappropriate as any other kid. Don’t be a fool! Watch them.
- The tbh posts. Let’s be honest here. Anyone who responds to a “to be honest” post is never really going to be completely honest. And if they are, then they honestly like you! But really, do you want someone who doesn’t like you to actually respond?? “Tbh, you’re an asshat and your breath stinks.” Just stop. I’ve seen it written before, and I think it’s the honest truth. What others think of you is none of your business! Don’t bring on unnecessary drama where there ain’t none.
I’m sure I’ve forgotten a few because, well…I’m old. And senile. And tired. But you get the picture. What do you want to see go away??
LB Knows 